I get the impression I don’t pick up on everything that is being said to me, or things going on around me for that matter. I try really, really hard to concentrate but my takeaway points from a conversation or meeting or event seem different to other peoples. Sometimes I’m not sure how I missed something, whether I didn’t hear it or didn’t see a notice up somewhere, or I just heard it and forgot, but it’s common to find myself in a conversation like this mornings, when someone asked me whether my daughter was going to a school disco next week, an event I didn’t even know was happening but it seems everybody but me knows about… It makes me feel like I’m going mad. This happens a lot with school things in particular.
What else is going on around me that I’m not aware of, what am I not noticing that I’m supposed to? At the school everyone seems to know more about how things work and procedures etc, than I do. It has always been this way, I remember feeling as baffled by university life, I couldn’t get my head around how people knew things that I was supposed to know, but I’m really not sure how I was supposed to know, or indeed how they knew.
Sometimes I think it’s that things are implied rather than explained, and I don’t pick up on hints. And I know my brain skips over things that don’t sound important at the time and dumps them in some corner of my brain that could well be labelled “To be Forgotten”, but that’s not the whole picture. I think with me the background noise is louder and more distracting, other things seem to constantly steal my attention and I’ll realise that I’ve stopped listening some time ago, other times I just seem to focus in on different things to everyone else. It’s incredibly frustrating.
One thing I haven’t “missed” though is the look on other people’s faces when I talk to them. I’ve been noticing this a lot lately, especially with my mother in law. When I talk she always looks perplexed, like she’s doubling down her efforts to concentrate and understand. It really throws me off and makes me feel like I must be saying something stupid. Do I talk too fast? Use too many words? I don’t know. But I often get frowned at when I speak, like people aren’t sure what I’m trying to say, it’s more confusion than annoyance. I know I struggle to express things properly and can’t always find the right words, or I dive in at the wrong point in a story and go around the houses trying to reach the point. It’s nice that they’re trying to understand me but that look just makes me more anxious and I blabber even more!
I feel like I’m two people, the tip of the iceberg who people take for being the whole of me – this unoffensive, unopinionated nicey nicey person who bugs me; and the rest of me, who I wish I could express because I really quite like her.